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My name is Sarah. Since I encountered the love of the Father and know that I am in fact His child, I am discovering who I really am.
I am currently living in Nottingham, UK. I love all animals, especially dogs. The sea, nature, friends, and good coffee make me smile.
For many years of my life I had a lot of pain inside that I tried to hide. I didn’t want anyone to see on the outside how broken I really was. This hiding lead to self-harming. I also had an eating disorder. I went to university to study nursing and there became a Christian, but in truth for me – that meant even more hiding.
Missionary to Africa
Ever since I became a Christian, I’ve had a dream in my heart to be a missionary nurse somewhere in Africa. After many years, the door finally opened for me to go to Uganda. I left a job where I was needed and seen to be doing amazing work, to step into a greater sense of serving and giving. In reality, I was just a little 5 year old girl going out to Uganda. A little girl desperate to be good enough to be loved.
After a month of being in Uganda, I met two Dutch ladies; Ingrid and Winette. These two ladies run a retreat centre in Jinja and are part of the Fatherheart Ministries family. When I looked into their eyes, I saw a love that I have never seen before. I knew it was not a love of this world. As I listened to their stories, my heart was being stirred. I knew deep within my heart that what they were saying was true. However, at the same time my heart was well and truly closed.
I then went to my first Fatherheart Ministries ‘A’ School. Going back to nursing after this ‘A’ School, though, was impossible. In fact, this ‘A’ School had enabled me to see the state of my heart. I realised I was burnt out, I felt like I had nothing left to give. It was like my love had run out. All I had been doing for the past 14 years, all this giving had been from me and now there was nothing left but burnout. Essentially that is what happened. I burnt out from caring, nursing, giving… and now I had nothing.
Winette suggested I come to the retreat centre in Uganda. For 8 weeks, I did nothing except lie in the garden and listen to music. I had no great encounter, but as I rested and slept, unknown to me my heart was being softened. After a couple of months God (I didn’t know him as Father yet) gave me a picture. In brief, this picture showed a little girl undergoing heart surgery, my heart was in a real state, but the surgeon was mending it with beautiful fine coloured threads. He said that when he put it back, it was going hurt, but this is would enable the life and love to flow again. He also said that my heart would be full of colour. This was such a redemptive word. A month later, I did another ‘A’ School, and oh the pain and tears! In that moment it truly felt unbearable, but I had had this word from Father, ‘my heart would be full of colour’. On the last day of the ‘A’ School, as I opened my heart to be a 5 year old little girl again, I fell into the Father’s arms and felt so very safe. Safety is what I encountered… Ever since that moment, I feel the life.
I am alive!!!
INS | The journey of Sonship (New Zealand)
So despite staying in Uganda for a little under 2 years, it became very obvious to me that Father took me to Uganda to reveal Himself to me and to love me back to life. It was such a hard decision to leave, as since that first encounter with Father, it had been rich time of receiving; of being His child. It was rich too in fellowship with the Fatherheart family. Right from the time of leaving Uganda there was a desire in my heart to go to INS. When I got back to the UK, I got my old nursing job back on intensive care and I realised that it was favour to save up for the INS. And so, 6 months later I was off to New Zealand!
Even before INS, Father began speaking to my heart about comfort, and in particular my relationship with my mum. The Holy Spirit began to show me things and as my heart was able to open further, Father took me to empty places in my heart that needed comfort. One night during INS, I woke in terror, but at the same time I also sensed deeply Father’s gaze upon me and the fear went. I found in that moment that in his gaze of perfect love fear has to go. There and then I had a deep knowing in my heart that the empty places in my heart were receiving His comfort.
What has changed?
When I am asked what has changed for me my answer is: Everything!!!
I didn’t even know the Father before. Even my relationship with Jesus and the Holy spirit was one of religious affection, of climbing up the ladder, of being good enough and of trying to attain the place of best servant.
Now I am a child.
Truly I am.
I know Him. I know Father. I experience Him fathering me, loving me, comforting me.
I am more and more knowing the life that is in Christ, the life that is sonship.
As a child I have fun, and I mess up, but I run to the arms that scoop me up and say over and over, I love you.
I am in the very substance of love itself and yet I am just in the shallows.
I truly see everything differently.
Everything is different in this place of being His child.
– Sarah Davis (United Kingdom)